最近发生很多事，可笑的是我一直都呆在家里鲜少出门，可是事情还是陆陆续续的发生了。
几个礼拜前，从父母的谈话中得知大姑进了医院，好像是肺积水，动过手术后目前没大碍。可是光是听到她进了医院，我心里便莫名地响起了死亡的警铃，瞬间心里便开始筑起了围墙，是为了什么，我也不清楚……
那之后老爸就常在晚上空闲时到医院去探望大姑，虽然他表现得很坚强，可是我看得出他是很难过的，也许老爸和我一样早就料到最糟糕的结果即将降临了吧……
果不其然，两天前老爸心情明显失落。他跟我说大姑身上的癌细胞快速的转移着，已经入侵大脑了。为了减轻癌症造成的痛苦，医生给她打了吗非，老爸说即使大姑清醒时，也没办法说话，只能像初生婴孩般“啊啊”的叫着。
有一点你们听了也许会觉得残酷，可是我听了却觉得情有可原，甚至赞同他的做法：老爸说，大姑之所以会抢抓着最后一口气不放，是因为她还有东西放不下，有所牵挂而无法潇洒离去。面对她的痛苦挣扎，老爸只是淡淡地对她说：你就安心的走吧……
虽然残酷，可是相信大姑的家人也能体谅……
昨天中午，噩耗便传来了。让我父亲气愤的是，大姑的儿子竟然拍了她死去的照片，还传到老爸的手机去。父母俩看了觉得很不应该，我也这么觉得，毕竟那可能带来一些无法说明的坏事……
后来下午和老爸出外处理一些事情，最后去了padungan一间叫薰衣草的花店挑选一个花圈送大姑……
那时我才知道……原来大姑的名字是月梅……原来她的夫家姓邓……原来“一路好走”四个字，是这么的令人心酸……
回家的路上，老爸跟我说那时在店里说出“一路好走”简短的留言时，他的心在狠狠地抽痛着，因为他知道大姑这一路并不好走，会很辛苦，说着说着不禁悲从中来。那是我生平第一次看见老爸落泪的样子……
当时我想起了几天前老爸说过，多个姐姐当中，他最讨厌的就是大姑了，因为她很罗嗦，老是和他吵架。可是听着听着，我知道他只是想用幽默的方式来抒发心里的郁闷，而事实上他心里是很疼惜这个姐姐的……
我偷偷的用余光看着老爸拭泪，虽然冷血地承认我没有想哭的冲动，但是还是很心疼老爸。不过那只是我不想用更加悲观的角度去看这一切，毕竟 悲哀+悲哀=无限的伤痛，何必火上加油呢……
对于这场不幸，我四兄妹老实说起来并没有很大的反应，因为我们和大姑不是很熟，心里对她的回忆少得可怜，悲哀自然无法在我们心里占领太大的空间……反倒对我父母却是很深的一个痛，而他们的眼泪对我述说了很多很多……
昨天晚上父母去了教堂见大姑最后一面，凌晨零时三十分左右才回来。也许是传统华人观念在作祟，也或许只是因为宗教的差异，老妈回来后忍不住跟我们说，当晚所有人都很开心的样子，就是连大姑一家人也没为她掉过一滴眼泪，更没有人穿上孝服给她送行……
对于我们这东西通杀的兄妹而言，那并不奇怪。说起来也只不过是两个宗教对于死亡的看法和处理方式不同所造成的困扰，毕竟所有人都有自由去选择要以怎么样的方式去看待死亡，不管是谁都没有错……我想……还是算了吧，宗教这种东西说多了很麻烦，还是少说为妙，对吧？
不管怎样，等事情处理完了，剩下的就只是等我父母调试好心情了。请节哀顺变，不要再伤心了，毕竟伤心很伤身的，懂吗？
2009年6月9日 星期二
Tired
I’m tired of fooling myself,
Into believing what’s impossible,
But I had to hold on to the smallest possiblities,
Because I need to continue my journey.
I’m tired of listening to lies,
Told by my heart to my soul.
Lies that seems so real,
I couldn’t resist.
I’m tired of making wishes to the stars,
Tired of blowing birthday candles,
Tired of burning joss sticks,
As if that’s the only way.
I’m tired with my life,
Tired with everything in my life,
Tired with nothing in my life,
Tired to go on with my life.
I'm tired with my mind,
Tired of recalling the past,
Tired of leading the present,
Tired of thinking the future.
I guess I’m just tired.
Tired of letting go without hesitation,
Tired of forgetting something important forcefully,
Tired of accepting every single cruelty,
Tired of doing nothing to fate…
I guess I’m just tired.
I guess,
Into believing what’s impossible,
But I had to hold on to the smallest possiblities,
Because I need to continue my journey.
I’m tired of listening to lies,
Told by my heart to my soul.
Lies that seems so real,
I couldn’t resist.
I’m tired of making wishes to the stars,
Tired of blowing birthday candles,
Tired of burning joss sticks,
As if that’s the only way.
I’m tired with my life,
Tired with everything in my life,
Tired with nothing in my life,
Tired to go on with my life.
I'm tired with my mind,
Tired of recalling the past,
Tired of leading the present,
Tired of thinking the future.
I guess I’m just tired.
Tired of letting go without hesitation,
Tired of forgetting something important forcefully,
Tired of accepting every single cruelty,
Tired of doing nothing to fate…
I guess I’m just tired.
I guess,
I’m just tired.
The secret of destiny
When life goes on,
There is always a special one,
That apears in front of you,
And greets you with a smile.
Is it destined for someone to meet another someone?
When life met its ups and downs,
Who will be the one that holds out their hands,
And will wait a lifetime for you to reach out?
Life has its own destinies,
Something so secret that cannot be revealed,
Yet we are willing to use our time in life,
To exchange for a secret that either glows or dims.
Destiny is not what you live for,
But something magical that lives for you.
Only time can show their existance,
And only you can understand its secret.
There is always a special one,
That apears in front of you,
And greets you with a smile.
Is it destined for someone to meet another someone?
When life met its ups and downs,
Who will be the one that holds out their hands,
And will wait a lifetime for you to reach out?
Life has its own destinies,
Something so secret that cannot be revealed,
Yet we are willing to use our time in life,
To exchange for a secret that either glows or dims.
Destiny is not what you live for,
But something magical that lives for you.
Only time can show their existance,
And only you can understand its secret.
2009年6月8日 星期一
Death
What is death? It’s a difficult topic for me.
Since I’m just a little girl, just around 7 years old, I already thought about death. I thought about why we struggle to live in this world where we all suffer from so many pain and sorrow, yet in the end we will face death, with nothing left out of our long struggle. So why in the first place that we live? Isn’t it better if there wasn’t a beginning because the ending is always so sad?
While thinking of death, I also thought about god, angel, devil, and so on, those make believe existance that we cannot varify. People said that if we pray, the god and angel will hear us out, and bless us with strength and wisdom to face any obstacles in our life. On the other hand, the devil will causes troubles and grievance to human, and even take away those we loved. There are also a lot of myth and legend, saying that the god fought with the devil, protecting us humans from being harmed by the devil. However, I couldn’t stop wondering, just like how other people couldn’t: Do they really exist? Are they really surrounding us? Are they really that powerful until we can’t resist to worship them or fear them? Until now, I have no answer to these questions.
I remember that I suffered from depression at that young age, but it didn’t last long until I recover. What I thought of the most is about death god, and, haha, I don’t even know where I heard that from, feels like it just pops into my head, I guess that’s how our ancestors got the idea about their maybe existance to begin with. Anyway, in my mind the death god is in black, with dark aura circulating around them, they are an existance with no breath, so light that even the wind can take them away. They stare at those whose life meets an end, and when the time comes, they take them away to a far place where we will never see them again. But to where? What had happened to them after death? Are they really taken to heaven or hell depending on the deeds they did in their lifetime? Or did they vanish into thin air just like how they were born into this world?
As time passed, these questions bother me a lot, but I managed to control these thoughts and avoided from falling into hyteric, which I’m very fortunate of. Thinking all those before I truly met death, in some way helped me to overcome the fear of death, and accept the fact that it is unavoidable for every one of us to die one day. That’s right, we will all die one day, the only difference is that when, where and how we die, that’s all. Even so, I still can’t stop the bad feelings roaring within me when I faced one, and I still can’t stop myself from thinking that a miracle will happen, though I know there’s nothing we can do to change death, a perpetual and undeniable truth.
Death is actually nothing to be afraid of, it’s just an end of one’s life cycle, where we return to our original position in this universe, but it doesn’t mean that we should give up our life when we knew that we’ll die one day, because that is something irresponsible, not only to the people around us, but also to ourself. So I guess it’s always better to think positive out of the worst. Since it’s unavoidable, why not just ignore it when we’re still alive, and enjoy our time on the face of the earth. But pay attention! Go see a doctor when you’re sick! If there’s a chance to live longer don’t hesitate! You never know that you might meet with something special when you survived, am I right?
I know that it’s easier said than done, death means that we will lose everything, how is it possible to not fear of death? Actually, I also think that it’s not a bad thing for people to fear death, because that can be a good reason why we’re alive today: we don’t wan to die, so we will fight to live. Haha, what do you know, what I’m saying contrast with each other big time. I guess it depends on the situation, ‘to fear or not to fear: that is the question’ (inspiration from shakesphere?), hahaha….
“Even the sun knew that one day he will die, yet he choose to live on with dignity, because he believes….” (my creation, haha!)
Since I’m just a little girl, just around 7 years old, I already thought about death. I thought about why we struggle to live in this world where we all suffer from so many pain and sorrow, yet in the end we will face death, with nothing left out of our long struggle. So why in the first place that we live? Isn’t it better if there wasn’t a beginning because the ending is always so sad?
While thinking of death, I also thought about god, angel, devil, and so on, those make believe existance that we cannot varify. People said that if we pray, the god and angel will hear us out, and bless us with strength and wisdom to face any obstacles in our life. On the other hand, the devil will causes troubles and grievance to human, and even take away those we loved. There are also a lot of myth and legend, saying that the god fought with the devil, protecting us humans from being harmed by the devil. However, I couldn’t stop wondering, just like how other people couldn’t: Do they really exist? Are they really surrounding us? Are they really that powerful until we can’t resist to worship them or fear them? Until now, I have no answer to these questions.
I remember that I suffered from depression at that young age, but it didn’t last long until I recover. What I thought of the most is about death god, and, haha, I don’t even know where I heard that from, feels like it just pops into my head, I guess that’s how our ancestors got the idea about their maybe existance to begin with. Anyway, in my mind the death god is in black, with dark aura circulating around them, they are an existance with no breath, so light that even the wind can take them away. They stare at those whose life meets an end, and when the time comes, they take them away to a far place where we will never see them again. But to where? What had happened to them after death? Are they really taken to heaven or hell depending on the deeds they did in their lifetime? Or did they vanish into thin air just like how they were born into this world?
As time passed, these questions bother me a lot, but I managed to control these thoughts and avoided from falling into hyteric, which I’m very fortunate of. Thinking all those before I truly met death, in some way helped me to overcome the fear of death, and accept the fact that it is unavoidable for every one of us to die one day. That’s right, we will all die one day, the only difference is that when, where and how we die, that’s all. Even so, I still can’t stop the bad feelings roaring within me when I faced one, and I still can’t stop myself from thinking that a miracle will happen, though I know there’s nothing we can do to change death, a perpetual and undeniable truth.
Death is actually nothing to be afraid of, it’s just an end of one’s life cycle, where we return to our original position in this universe, but it doesn’t mean that we should give up our life when we knew that we’ll die one day, because that is something irresponsible, not only to the people around us, but also to ourself. So I guess it’s always better to think positive out of the worst. Since it’s unavoidable, why not just ignore it when we’re still alive, and enjoy our time on the face of the earth. But pay attention! Go see a doctor when you’re sick! If there’s a chance to live longer don’t hesitate! You never know that you might meet with something special when you survived, am I right?
I know that it’s easier said than done, death means that we will lose everything, how is it possible to not fear of death? Actually, I also think that it’s not a bad thing for people to fear death, because that can be a good reason why we’re alive today: we don’t wan to die, so we will fight to live. Haha, what do you know, what I’m saying contrast with each other big time. I guess it depends on the situation, ‘to fear or not to fear: that is the question’ (inspiration from shakesphere?), hahaha….
“Even the sun knew that one day he will die, yet he choose to live on with dignity, because he believes….” (my creation, haha!)
2009年6月7日 星期日
心理测验 解答篇
不久前给了各位一个心理测验，大致上是：你在一座森林里探险，身边带着五个动物，分别是大象、猴子、孔雀、狗和老虎。可是在途中遇上了危险，你自知没办法把它们带到最后，而必须一路上将它们一个接一个抛下才能脱离险境，你的顺序会是怎样的呢？
有些人跟我说他们都知道答案了，我想也对吧！这在报纸上登出来过，也有人拿到学校去到处问人，想不知道也难吧？原本是想说大家都知道了，不用写也罢，可是既然说了会写，还是写吧！
这个心里测验主要是测试当一个人遇上困难时，他最先抛弃的会是什么呢？大象代表的是父母，猴子代表的是子女，孔雀代表的是爱人，狗代表的是朋友，而老虎代表的是金钱和势力。你们的顺序是什么呢？我嘛，就属于那典型的一群：先抛弃孔雀的！为什么呢？因为孔雀光长的美美的，可是却不懂得保护自己，更别说是保护我了！
可是最吸引我的是和这个心里测验有关的故事：原本主角以为所有人都会和他一样最先抛下孔雀，可是问了很多人以后，终于有一个人跟他说他选择到了最后才抛下孔雀。原因其实和我们为什么要最先抛下孔雀是一样的，就是孔雀没有能力保护自己。
在五种动物当中，孔雀是最没有能力保护自己的。其他的动物你就算抛下了它们，他们存活的可能性比孔雀高出许多，主要是因为它们本身就很会保护自己。主角的这位朋友就是想到了这一点，才会选择去保护孔雀，直到自己真的无能为力了才狠下心来抛弃它。
看完故事以后，我有点惭愧，因为我对孔雀实在是太自私了，完全没有顾虑到它的无助，只是想它帮不上我的忙，就自私的抛下它。我不禁想起荀子的主张：人性本恶，还有孟子的：人性本善，我大概是属于前者的吧！哈哈哈哈~~
有些人跟我说他们都知道答案了，我想也对吧！这在报纸上登出来过，也有人拿到学校去到处问人，想不知道也难吧？原本是想说大家都知道了，不用写也罢，可是既然说了会写，还是写吧！
这个心里测验主要是测试当一个人遇上困难时，他最先抛弃的会是什么呢？大象代表的是父母，猴子代表的是子女，孔雀代表的是爱人，狗代表的是朋友，而老虎代表的是金钱和势力。你们的顺序是什么呢？我嘛，就属于那典型的一群：先抛弃孔雀的！为什么呢？因为孔雀光长的美美的，可是却不懂得保护自己，更别说是保护我了！
可是最吸引我的是和这个心里测验有关的故事：原本主角以为所有人都会和他一样最先抛下孔雀，可是问了很多人以后，终于有一个人跟他说他选择到了最后才抛下孔雀。原因其实和我们为什么要最先抛下孔雀是一样的，就是孔雀没有能力保护自己。
在五种动物当中，孔雀是最没有能力保护自己的。其他的动物你就算抛下了它们，他们存活的可能性比孔雀高出许多，主要是因为它们本身就很会保护自己。主角的这位朋友就是想到了这一点，才会选择去保护孔雀，直到自己真的无能为力了才狠下心来抛弃它。
看完故事以后，我有点惭愧，因为我对孔雀实在是太自私了，完全没有顾虑到它的无助，只是想它帮不上我的忙，就自私的抛下它。我不禁想起荀子的主张：人性本恶，还有孟子的：人性本善，我大概是属于前者的吧！哈哈哈哈~~
2009年6月5日 星期五
一日游
前天（6月2日）和高中同学17人一起到Damai Puri玩。原本是说要到Permai的，不知道为什么变成了Damai Puri……不过我到现在还是搞不太懂，那两个地方好像是同一个地方，为什么有这么多名字呢？
不管怎么样，总之我们就是到了海边去玩。一开始是玩沙滩排球（可是基本上是泡在海水里玩），后来因为中午很晒，大家受不了那份炎热，而把阵地转移到Jungle Pool那里去（简单说就是在森林里的人造小游泳池啦）。在那里很凉爽，水温嘛，感觉好像是快结冰的温度，怕冷的我自然是泡一下就爬出来了。
不过有件事还是觉得很过意不去啦！那就是：会端，对不起啊！把你手机掉在地上，真得很对不起啊！虽然你说不要紧，但我还是要在这里慎重的再跟你说一次：对不起！>.<"
在Jungle Pool那里，我和敬珑他们聊天，聊到了升学的事情，心里真得很不是滋味。大家都有目标了，也在为自己的未来铺路，而我则在原地踏步。唉，真是失败！
后来洗了澡换完衣服，大家就分批去了Damai Puri的Lobby那里纳凉。玩牌的玩牌，睡觉的睡觉，我想大家都累了吧！后来我和敬珑在阳台拍照，那里风景很美，海风也超爽的。我们之后无意间也看到了会端一个人跑去旁边的游泳池，在好奇心的驱使下和阿廖一起跟了过去。
我们还特地拍了一些短片，有一个是专访正在游泳的会端，哈哈！好像记者那样，不过有点菜鸟罢了。大抵拍的重点是向赫智炫耀啦，哈哈！不知道敬珑有没有好好edit那些短片，我也要一份哦！
之后到Palm Garden吃午饭。听敬珑说她从小就常和家人到那里吃饭，所以已经和老板老板娘很熟了，老板娘还说敬珑是吃日本豆腐长大的，所以餐桌上自然少不了这道菜咯，哈哈！对于服务、整洁和菜肴，我挺满意的，所以给这家餐馆9/10^.^
吃完饭后，有的回家的回家，还不想回家的嘛，当然是去敏资家咯，因为那里什么都有的玩嘛！我们听歌、打麻将、打乒乓、看漫画，很快的就到旁晚了。原本是想晚餐后，去看电影，可是最近都没什么好看的，加上玩了一整天，我和敬珑也累了，吃晚饭，敏资在宜加的陪同下就好心的送我们两个回家。
真是辛苦你咯，敏资！当了一整天的司机还要送我们回家，尤其我家最不顺路了，非常谢谢你哦！=P
不管怎么样，总之我们就是到了海边去玩。一开始是玩沙滩排球（可是基本上是泡在海水里玩），后来因为中午很晒，大家受不了那份炎热，而把阵地转移到Jungle Pool那里去（简单说就是在森林里的人造小游泳池啦）。在那里很凉爽，水温嘛，感觉好像是快结冰的温度，怕冷的我自然是泡一下就爬出来了。
不过有件事还是觉得很过意不去啦！那就是：会端，对不起啊！把你手机掉在地上，真得很对不起啊！虽然你说不要紧，但我还是要在这里慎重的再跟你说一次：对不起！>.<"
在Jungle Pool那里，我和敬珑他们聊天，聊到了升学的事情，心里真得很不是滋味。大家都有目标了，也在为自己的未来铺路，而我则在原地踏步。唉，真是失败！
后来洗了澡换完衣服，大家就分批去了Damai Puri的Lobby那里纳凉。玩牌的玩牌，睡觉的睡觉，我想大家都累了吧！后来我和敬珑在阳台拍照，那里风景很美，海风也超爽的。我们之后无意间也看到了会端一个人跑去旁边的游泳池，在好奇心的驱使下和阿廖一起跟了过去。
我们还特地拍了一些短片，有一个是专访正在游泳的会端，哈哈！好像记者那样，不过有点菜鸟罢了。大抵拍的重点是向赫智炫耀啦，哈哈！不知道敬珑有没有好好edit那些短片，我也要一份哦！
之后到Palm Garden吃午饭。听敬珑说她从小就常和家人到那里吃饭，所以已经和老板老板娘很熟了，老板娘还说敬珑是吃日本豆腐长大的，所以餐桌上自然少不了这道菜咯，哈哈！对于服务、整洁和菜肴，我挺满意的，所以给这家餐馆9/10^.^
吃完饭后，有的回家的回家，还不想回家的嘛，当然是去敏资家咯，因为那里什么都有的玩嘛！我们听歌、打麻将、打乒乓、看漫画，很快的就到旁晚了。原本是想晚餐后，去看电影，可是最近都没什么好看的，加上玩了一整天，我和敬珑也累了，吃晚饭，敏资在宜加的陪同下就好心的送我们两个回家。
真是辛苦你咯，敏资！当了一整天的司机还要送我们回家，尤其我家最不顺路了，非常谢谢你哦！=P
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